


jays dwell here and sunbeams too

by Mr_Phich



Series: everyone needs a chance to be small [12]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bed-Wetting, Clint Needs a Hug, Daddy!Steve, Diapers, Families of Choice, Little!Bucky - Freeform, M/M, Non-Sexual Age Play, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Phone Calls & Telephones, Relationship Negotiation, Secrets, little!Clint, relationships are hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-18 00:52:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7292884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Phich/pseuds/Mr_Phich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sharing never seems to get any easier. (Phil reacts to Bucky).</p>
            </blockquote>





	jays dwell here and sunbeams too

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in chapter seven of i dwell here and so do you. Special thanks to Nonnica, who never fails to ignite all of my Phil feels.   
> As always, thanks for reading, kudoing, and commenting!

Phil wouldn't lie - he hadn’t been a fan of Bucky Barnes from the moment Steve called to report he’d turned himself in. He wasn’t wary because of the brain washing or the assassinations or because two weeks ago the man didn’t even know his own name. He was worried about what this would do to Clint and him.

Because in the year that Phil had been back, he’d come to rely on Steve. Somehow Steve was omnipresent in Phil’s life - they worked together to handle the team, they coordinated training and SHIELD missions together, and most importantly they loved Clint together. They’d fallen into a rhythm and balance over the last several months, one that saw to everyone’s needs. Clint spent Friday (and sometimes Saturday) nights with Steve. Phil and Steve had weekly coffee to communicate anything they needed to. Phil wouldn’t call Steve his friend, because he was simultaneously less and more than that, but after Clint, Steve was easily the most important person in his life. 

What Phil had discovered was that it was easier to love Clint than ever before, because Clint thought he deserved to be loved and that was a gift that Steve had worked hard to give Clint. And it was a gift that Phil was grateful for every single day. In a lot of ways, Phil had never been happier. It wasn’t always easy or pretty, but it was, overall, good and that’s what mattered.

So, no, he wasn’t delighted that Bucky was back in Steve’s life, because he knew that was going to complicate things. He didn’t doubt that Steve would continue to do his best by Clint (and Phil), but Phil wasn’t convinced that his best would be good enough anymore. There was no denying that Clint was needy - especially with Steve. Steve often got called to their rooms in the middle of the night because of a nightmare or a mission gone wrong or even just a sensory trigger. It wasn’t that they couldn’t muddle through those things on their own, it was just they hadn’t had to for so long that Phil wasn’t sure he could manage it on his own anymore.

The first week showed Phil that he was right to worry. He’d come to be accepting of Clint’s bedwetting and always did his best not to get frustrated or angry. But it’d been a shitty week already - SHIELD in chaos, Fury and Hill the only people he could trust, desperately trying to put together something functional and trustworthy again. Phil came home exhausted, either from meetings with Fury or from coordinating Barnes’ care at the hospital, only to be woken night after night by wet sheets and bad dreams. There was no calling Steve to fix it, either, because Steve couldn’t leave Barnes’ side (Phil had seen the aftermath of Steve trying and was fully in support of Steve not leaving Barnes’ side), so it was wash ups and showers and apologetic-humiliated Clint every night. 

They’ve had bad weeks over the past year. But prior to this bad weeks meant two or three wet nights and usually Clint was good at predicting when he was stressed enough that it was a risk and went to sleep in the spare room. They hadn’t talked about that option this week and Phil understood and wasn’t going to press it, because as much as Phil feared the aftermath of Bucky in their lives he couldn’t imagine what Clint must be feeling. He wouldn’t push Clint away, wouldn’t take away what comfort and familiarity he could offer his partner. He knuckled through until Barnes was tucked away in Steve’s quarters and then insisted on a phone call. Steve’s solution wasn’t what Phil had been expecting and if he was honest, he wasn’t really comfortable with it. Phil tried to be supportive and he understood (as much as he could) the role diapers played in Clint’s age play, but, well. They still weirded Phil out. So the knowledge that Clint would be wearing one in bed with him was a little hard to deal with. 

That first night, Clint had been bumbling and shy and embarrassed, flushing bright red as he carried a cardboard box into the bathroom after it had been delivered. Phil  _ tried  _ to put it out of his mind, he really did, but it wasn’t that easy. Clint wasn’t exactly subtle, taking his pajamas into the bathroom to change and nervously crawling into bed. Instead of sprawling over Phil and taking up most of the bed, he lay very still at the edge of their mattress. It took a long time to fall asleep that night. 

It got easier but Phil was still desperate for the day that Clint could go back to handling his stress the way he’d been managing it for the last year. Phil never thought he’d be excited to take Clint up to play with Steve - accepting, sure, even content, but not excited - but he was. He wanted  _ his  _ Clint back, the confident, funny, brash and loving man that he’d fallen in love with. It wasn’t that Phil didn’t love Clint in all his moods and headspaces, because he did. But it was hard. Phil didn’t know how to help the damaged, sensitive, needy Clint. Phil relied on Steve to do that. Phil got tired, he got frustrated, he snapped and needed his space and Clint couldn’t handle it. 

So those first three weeks were a kind of personal hell, Clint getting more and more stressed and anxious, only barely holding it together as he and the other Avengers hunted down HYDRA cells and eliminated them, one by one. Clint started to wake screaming from nightmares and nothing Phil said or did seemed to help. Now that Steve had brought his eye to it, Phil noticed Clint eating less and skipping meals, coming back from the bathroom pale and breathing heavy, probably hiding panic attacks. Phil felt helpless. They continued to talk to Steve and Phil expressed his concerns and he knew that Steve wanted to be there for Clint. It was really hard not to blame the whole thing on Barnes, even though, factually, Phil knew that to be far from the truth. 

The resentment lingered despite Phil’s best efforts to squash it. The first several weeks of Clint’s return to playing didn’t help his feelings. Clint seemed to be on some roller coaster ride of emotions that Phil couldn’t follow. Sometimes Clint came back from Steve’s ecstatic, brimming with a familiar and glorious energy that he took out on the range or on Phil (Phil’s preferred outlet for Clint’s boundless energy). But sometimes he came back sad and quiet, disappearing into his nest in the spare room or under the covers of their bed for hours at a time until Phil hauled him out to eat. 

Clint and Phil had never talked much about what Clint did when he was little, but Phil now wished that they did. He wanted to know what had Clint so mixed up, what had him twisting and turning like a kite in the wind. On the few occasions Phil had been around little Clint he’d been full of energy and cheer (except when injured - and even then he’d been sweet and content). He couldn’t imagine what was happening now that changed the soft, open way Clint used to come back from play. Phil wanted to ask but it was part of their agreement that this was Clint’s to share as he chose, and Phil wouldn’t press. 

Finally Clint did say something. It wasn’t what Phil was expecting, but as it happened, he was pretty used to that. It was a good day, Clint came back grinning and excited and pressed into Phil’s space to give him a long, heated kiss. 

Phil smiled and leaned back to examine Clint’s face. “What’s got you in such a good mood?” 

Clint smiled bigger. “I wasn’t supposed to say anything before now, but Bucky’s been ageplaying with me and Steve. And it’s - Phil. It’s great.” 

Phil’s mind stilled to a point, trying to process. What were the chances, he wondered idly, of another person in their little circle being built this way. He didn’t know. After the first wave of surprise came a surprisingly strong surge of relief and gratitude that didn’t immediately make sense to him but - ageplay had fixed so many of Clint’s wounds, Phil could only hope that it would do the same with Barnes. And if healing led to more of Steve’s time being available for Clint - well. That was Phil’s only wish for Barnes. 

“Yeah?” He asked probingly. 

Clint nodded and hopped up onto the counter, planting himself easily and reaching for an apple. 

“It helps, y’know? Because Bucky’s the same as me in so many ways.”

Once upon a time, Phil hadn’t thought himself a jealous man. He scoffed a little at that him, because when it came to Clint it turned out he had a possessive streak a mile wide. “Oh?” Phil said mildly. 

Clint bit into his apple, chewed a moment (which Phil appreciated) and said, a little quieter, “He gets it. Not just the age play. But - mind control. Losing yourself and having to find it all over again. And feeling…” Clint trailed off, flushing a little. Clint rarely talked to him about these things. Phil wished he would, but it was okay that he didn’t. There’d never been a need for a lot of words between them. 

“That’s good.” Phil said, trying to sound more supportive than he felt. He knew, of course, that he wasn’t going to lose Clint. They’d survived worse than a new friend, after all. 

“Yeah.” Clint grinned and leaned in for an apple flavored kiss. Phil sighed into it. He could survive a little jealousy, a little self doubt, for more good days. 

 

*

Clint settled a little after sharing what was going on with Bucky and it allowed Steve to talk more openly about why days were bad or good for Clint, all of which helped Phil feel like they were falling into a new rhythm that would work for the newly enlarged dynamic. That was, of course, when everything changed. 

Clint was doing well enough that they’d decided to take a weekend, just the two of them. They headed up to one of their favorite bed and breakfasts in Vermont. It was quiet and in the middle of nowhere and they spent their days in bed or hiking long trails. They were lying in bed one afternoon, Clint watching a movie on his tablet and Phil reading, when they got the call. Phil checked his called ID and seeing that it was Steve, picked it up. 

“Hello Steve,” Phil said, gently poking Clint’s shoulder. Clint looked up and slipped his headphones off, sitting up a bit more. 

“Hi Phil.” Steve’s voice sounded tight - worried, even. Phil rarely heard it that way as Steve had a poker face (and voice) that most people wouldn’t believe. Phil sat up and shifted to put the phone on speaker. 

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked firmly. Clint’s face creased into worry.

A sigh and static for a moment. “We have a problem.” Steve paused. “Thor noticed that Bucky acts younger than his age.”

Clint paled and swallowed tightly, shoulders already falling in. Phil put a reassuring hand on his back, but his own heart was racing. 

“And he said something to Pepper. Long story short, the team got it in their mind that I’ve encouraged Bucky to regress for therapy. Sam was - well, not pleased, so I had to explain that we were age playing.” Clint whimpered and covered his face. “I didn’t say anything about you, Clint, I didn’t.” Steve’s voice was firm, steady. Phil squeezed Clint’s shoulder as his mind raced. They wouldn’t be able to sit on this forever. Some part of him had already known that - there had been questions about Clint’s frequent absences from team activities, Natasha had been hanging around just a little bit more, showing worry in her own way. The team was too close, too observant, too intimate for a secret of this magnitude to stay secret forever. 

Phil thought he had prepared himself for that eventuality, but he hadn’t grasped how it would feel. There was a protective surge in his gut. Little Clint was sweet and sensitive and open and loving, parts of Clint that he had buried deep. That Clint belonged to Clint and to Steve. Steve had earned it and Clint had needed it and Phil didn’t want anything to take it from either one of them. The feeling surprised him. 

“But we’re going to have to say something,” Steve said, voice solemn and final. “I don’t know what. But I can’t keep Bucky cooped up forever and I don’t think he can handle being around the team except when he’s little and if he’s little -”

“He’s gonna want me,” Clint said. His voice was shaky and Phil looked at him in surprise at that statement. He didn’t know that Bucky relied on Clint that much. 

“Yeah.” Steve sighed, sounding apologetic. “Even if I explained it to him - I just don’t think he’d be able to pretend that he didn’t know you. And then we’d have to explain that and I think it would just turn into a tower of lies.”

Clint sighed and leaned into Phil. Phil accepted his weight gratefully. This was a difficult moment, for sure, but it was also reassuring, because they’d solved a hundred issues this way - Steve’s voice on the phone or across a table, Clint close and familiar. 

“What would you like to do?” Phil asked. 

Steve sighed. Shuffling noises came across the line, and more static and another sigh. “To be honest, I just want to tell them. They’re our friends - our family. It’s not going to be easy. But…”

Steve trailed off. 

Phil looked down at Clint. It wouldn’t be the easiest thing in the world for Phil, to share this, but it would be infinitely harder for Clint. Clint’s face was creased into hard lines of worry and fear, his body folded in so tight Phil was mildly worried he might sprain something. 

“They’d hate me,” Clint finally whispered. Phil’s heart beat a painful staccato against his ribs and he held Clint a little tighter but trusted Steve to say the right words. 

“No buddy, no they wouldn’t. They might be confused at first, they may not understand why we do it, but I think that we can help them understand.”

“M’scared,” Clint whimpered. 

“I know, bud. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want.” Steve said, voice soothing. 

Phil surprised himself by saying, “I think that we should.”

Clint looked up at him, wide eyed with shock. “What?”

Phil swallowed tightly, but squared his shoulders and soldiered on. “People are already asking questions about why you’re gone so much. And why you and Steve are so close. There’s no way that we can hide it forever, so better now, on our terms.”

Clint just looked nervous, so Phil tried to summon up some more words. “I didn’t understand at first, I wasn’t very accepting, but I learned, didn’t I? And now we have something so much more solid. We all helped each other grow. There’s no reason it can’t be the same way with the team.”

“I dunno,” Clint said quietly. 

“I think he’s right,” Steve said over the phone. “I think we can make this into a good thing, Clint.”

“S’weird,” Clint whispered. “S’weird and it’s gross and I just - I don’t want,” Clint shook his head, clamping his mouth shut. 

“It’s not weird,” Steve insisted. “Or gross.” Phil stroked his fingers through Clint’s hair, hoping his partner would relax, hoping he could show Clint that wasn’t how Phil felt. “A lot of people age play, Clint, not just you and Bucky. And I like it, you know that, I love it. I don’t know what I would do without my little boys.”

“But you’re  _ Daddy _ .” Clint said the word like it explained everything. It didn’t, not to Phil, but he knew that it really did for Clint. There was so much tied up in the word and title for Clint - it was love and safety and acceptance and trust, god was it trust, trust like Phil had never seen. 

Steve chuckled a little, soft and easy over the line. “I’m Daddy because I love it, Clint. And because I love you. We’re not telling the team because we want them to be your caregiver.” Phil noted the definity of the statement, though he doubted Clint would in his current mind set. They were going to have to do this. They just had to figure out how to do it without ruining any relationships. Steve continued, “But they are your family and your friends and they love you, Clint. They don’t have to be involved in taking care of this part of you, but just telling them is one way to let them love you, to let them help you.”

Clint whimpered but nodded slowly. Then, seemingly remembering that Steve couldn’t see him, said “Okay, okay. We can tell them.”

“That’s good, Clint,” Steve murmured and Phil pulled Clint into a proper hug. “You’re being so brave, bud. I’m so proud of you.” Clint sniffled a little but didn’t cry. He turned his face away from Phil’s chest. 

“When?” He asked shakily. 

“Soon,” Steve said with a sigh. 

“We should do it when we get back,” Phil said firmly. Clint tensed in his arms. “Drawing it out will just make us all more nervous.”

“Phil’s right,” Steve affirmed gently. “Best just to get it out of the way.” 

Clint sniffled again but murmured, “Okay - but, um, you’ll tell…”

“Of course. You don’t need to say anything, Clint, and I’ll just say what needs to be said. They don’t need to know everything.” Phil almost laughed hysterically at that, trying to imagine sitting down and explaining everything to the team. “But,” Steve said, softer, “I think that you’ll need to try to be little around them. Not when we tell them, but so that they can understand.”

“No!” Clint barked. He started to shake. “Daddy,  _ no _ .” 

Phil swallowed tightly, wishing he could do more in this moment, wishing he had Steve’s skills and patience and steadiness. He just hugged a little tighter and hid his face in Clint’s soft, sandy blond hair. 

“I know, baby.” Steve sounded so sad. “I know you don’t want to. I know that it’s going to be scary. But I don’t know if I have the words to tell them why it’s important. I think we have to show them.”

Clint started to cry, just a little, and Phil felt totally helpless. 

Steve continued, “It might be really hard. But I think we could have a lot of fun. What if we did it on movie night? We could watch Despicable Me? You love that movie. We’ll bring some of your toys and we can have dinner, maybe from that Italian place you like so much? We’ll get Mac and Cheese.” Steve’s voice was soft and cajoling and Phil could feel Clint wavering. 

“You’ll be there?” Clint asked tremously. “And Bucky?”

“Of course, baby. I won’t leave you even for a minute,” Steve confirmed. 

Clint turned his gaze beseechingly to Phil and Phil nodded carefully, “I’ll be there too, Clint. I won’t let anyone say anything about this. It’s important and I’ll help them understand, alright?”

Clint nodded, features nervous and strained. “It will be okay, right, Daddy? It will help Bucky?”

“Oh baby,” Steve sounded unbearably fond. Phil had grown used to the tone. In the early days it had grated on him, made him feel misplaced and angry. Now he felt his own fondness - for Clint and for Steve and for their relationship - well up in answer. “You’re such a good brother.” Phil started a little at the term, but Clint seemed perfectly comfortable with it. Phil tucked it away to ask about on another day. “It will help Bucky, definitely. We’ve talked about how Bucky needs to learn that other people are safe and I think this could help him do that. I think it will help you too, lovebug. I want you to know that everyone loves you, that we’re not going to send you away, and we’re gonna accept you just the way you are because you’re awesome.”

Clint sniffled and blushed a little. “Really? Promise?”

“Really, really.” Steve said and Phil could hear the smile in his voice. “I promise, bud.”

“Okay. Okay, Daddy. I’ll be brave for you and Bucky.” The little words made Phil’s heart hurt with how much he loved this man. 

“I know you will. I love you so much, Clint. So, so much. I have to go now, because Bucky’s waking up from his nap.”

“Okay Daddy,” Clint whispered. “Bye bye.”

“Bye bye, baby. I’ll see you soon.” The line disconnected. Phil lay down next to Clint and gathered him in his arms, though he usually wouldn’t when Clint was little. They laid together for a long time, hearts beating in sync, breathing into each other. 

  
_ fin.  _

**Author's Note:**

> Come visit me on [tumblr](https://imdefinitelyyourcat.tumblr.com/)! I have been known to answer prompts, write ficlet, and spew my headcanon for this verse at the curious. (If you don't want to deal with everything else on my tumblr, there's an everyone deserves a chance tag.)


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